Standing my ground...

Sometimes at the gas station I don’t stand my ground enough.

Today a very impatient, hostile woman leaned in past the two people in line, threw her check on the counter and walked away. I did holler after her that I needed to see her driver’s license (which I’m sure pissed off her impatient ass). A minute later, also while I was waiting on someone else, she returned and threw her license through the window.

I did allow myself to deal with the people at the window before sliding her check through our little electronic check reader to get it authorized (the last step before turning on the pump). While I was doing this, she again appeared at the window, glaring at me. I said that I was at that moment authorizing her check. She, still without a word, stomped back to her car.

I had been fairly assertive by finishing with the people at the window before attending to her check. But I realized from the hollow feeling inside, that I had not stood my ground enough. This woman had been rude and dismissive. I really had, for my own self-respect, to assert what is the boss’s position in these cases. “I don’t take people out of order. You need to come through the line and wait your turn like everybody else.” He backs this up by setting aside the money or check that has been shoved at him and doing nothing with it until the person returns and waits in line. This, inevitably, pisses them off, but it is more respectful of me and the other people waiting in line. And hey, she started pissed off.

When I do stand my ground in this way, I can handle this kind of person’s anger, especially since I am then not surprised by it – I have actually chosen to follow a path that almost guarantees it. But I will not go away from the transaction feeling ill-used.


Similarly, I sometimes I don’t do enough to protect myself from people’s hostility.

Usually at the gas station I do a pretty good job of insulating myself from the stuff people aim at me. Today I had a woman at the window really hollering at me that I had ignored her and was being “very, very rude.”

Most days this would be no problem for me. I knew that I had in no way ignored her and certainly had not been rude. I have learned to not take people’s upset personal. Even if I have made a mistake, hey, out of 400+ transactions per shift, you’re going to make a mistake here and there.

Most people don’t get bent out of shape – they also know that I’m just human and usually can see for themselves how busy the gas station is. Some will even say things like, “I just don’t know how you can handle all this.” If an occasional person chooses instead to give me a hard time, I know that this is about them, not me.

But, with this woman, I didn’t protect myself that well. I had just come on, instantly had long lines at the window, and had not yet found my rhythm. I also was tired and, I guess, kind of vulnerable.

I also knew from this woman’s tone that she was loaded for bear and that nothing I said would appease her. She was going to walk away from the window feeling wronged, no matter what. So, as I very patiently explained to her that I had to take people in the order they came to the window and had not intended to be rude, I knew from past experience that I needed to just stay out of the way and let her have her drama.

But I didn’t. I could feel my discomfort as she ranted at me – I was, at least partly, letting this one in through my protective shield. When I am adequately protected, the nasty transaction is, for me, over when it ends – I let it go and move on.

But this time I didn’t – it stayed with me. The hatred in this woman’s face lingered for me. To be sure, this woman had been especially nasty. But I knew I was hooked as I ran the situation over in my head, vented about it to my boss (who had heard the whole exchange and totally supported me), as I pictured myself telling the woman that I thought she was actually the one being rude (not a great idea), etc.

One of the advantages of meeting anger with anger, or at least crankiness, is that it gives one a forward momentum that provides pretty good protection. But it is also, for many reasons, often not a good strategy. The challenge, then, becomes how to not counter-attack, to simply hold your ground and protect yourself from people’s hostility – to not be a sitting duck.